Poking fun at the dietary guidelines,
A Modest Proposal for the Dietary Guidelines

Not only could the new dietary recommendations make a serious dent in the Great American Waistline — there could be important collateral benefits, including, but not limited to a significant boost for many different sectors of the economy. Think of the windfall profits that having to eat according to the guidelines would provide for pharmaceutical companies selling anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications! Think of the astronomical increase in sales for measuring devices of all kinds — as the quantity of every morsel of solid and every drop of liquid would have to be carefully calculated by every person during every meal before it could be consumed (over time this would certainly contribute to greatly improved scores on the math portion of the SAT tests as well — making our country even more competitive in the world marketplace). Think of the thousands of new inspectors that would have to be trained and added to the workforce, which over time would greatly reduce the number of people out of work and on welfare.

As for the benefits of the increased exercise, let’s not forget to mention all the Motrin and doctors visits and surgeries that would be needed to treat the millions of people wanting to lose weight, who would have to exercise “at least 60-90 minutes a day” according to the new guidelines. Also, given that a large percentage of Americans are already sleep deprived, think of all the additional caffeine containing coffee, pop and pills that would be bought up to keep them awake during the day now that they are getting 90 minutes less sleep a night. And since adult Americans already spend precious little quality time with their spouses and children, the additional 90 minutes a day would most surely result in more income for the mental health profession, so beleaguered recently by changes in the health insurance industry.

Meanwhile, as the Dietary Guidelines folks are crying chicken little, U.S. life expectancy rises to record level.

Maybe the Guidelines folk should listen to Julia Child.